Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
