The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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