I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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