I heard we made out
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
