Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I look better un-naked...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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