The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
