she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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