i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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