I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
