There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
