Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
