Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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