my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
