His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Everyone says I win the strip club
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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