Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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