Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
