why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
