OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
