Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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