I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
