Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Such a big mess for such a small penis
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
