As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
