we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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