How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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