Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
