Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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