Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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