You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
