You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
