I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize