thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
