How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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