Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
