I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
