hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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