It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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