you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize