Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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