his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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