If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
