I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
