worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
