Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
