i would punch a child for taco bell
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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