you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize