dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
