i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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