you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hippo gnu deer
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
