Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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