The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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