i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
too bad you live with your parents still
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
