so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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