4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
