glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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