we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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