I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
