just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
