i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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