He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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